The People Pleaser’s Quest for Approval: Understanding Our Drive for Social Acceptance

Introduction

Have you ever wondered why a simple “like” on social media feels so rewarding or why criticism seems devastating? Our deep-seated need for approval isn’t just a social quirk; it’s wired into our brains, heavily influenced by our evolutionary past, and amplified by our modern societal structures. In this article, we explore why this drive for social acceptance is so powerful and how it often leads us into the trap of people-pleasing.

The Neuroscience of Social Approval

Humans are social creatures by nature, evolved to live and thrive in communities. Neuroscience shows us that our brains treat social rewards and rejections in ways similar to physical pain or pleasure. When we receive approval, whether it’s a compliment, a nod, or a virtual thumbs-up, our brain’s reward circuits are activated. Dopamine, along with other neurotransmitters, plays a role in motivating us towards behaviours that garner this social reward, while chemicals like serotonin and endorphins contribute to the feelings of satisfaction and well-being.

Conversely, experiences of social rejection activate regions of the brain associated with physical pain, such as the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and the anterior insula. This response is not trivial; it’s an ingrained survival mechanism. Historically, being ostracised from our tribe or community could mean death, and our modern brains still treat social rejections as existential threats.

Evolutionary Perspectives on Approval Seeking

From an evolutionary standpoint, our ancestors depended on group cohesion for survival. Those who were better at gaining the group’s approval were more likely to secure resources, find mates, and ultimately survive. This has sculpted human psychology to prioritise fitting in and maintaining social bonds, sometimes at the cost of personal desires and authenticity.

In contemporary society, while the stakes of social rejection might not be as severe as death, the psychological impact remains profound. This evolutionary legacy explains why people-pleasing – going to great lengths to receive approval and avoid disapproval – feels so instinctual.

The Role of Society and Culture

While our need for approval has roots in our biological makeup, it’s greatly influenced by societal and cultural norms. Today’s digital age, with its constant social media presence, has created an environment where approval is quantified and highly visible, intensifying our natural tendencies to seek it and avoid rejection.

This societal magnification is one of several factors that can lead to what is often termed as ‘people-pleasing’ behaviour – altering one’s actions, suppressing true feelings, and undertaking burdensome tasks to maintain social favour. Though seemingly benign or even beneficial, chronic people-pleasing can lead to a loss of self-identity, increased stress, diminished personal happiness, and even burnout.

Striking a Balance

Recognising and understanding our need for approval is the first step toward addressing people-pleasing behaviours. Here are a few strategies to consider:

• Self-Awareness: Regularly reflect on your motivations. Are your actions driven by a genuine desire or a fear of disapproval?
• Set Boundaries: Learn to say “no” when requests conflict with your values or capacity. Setting boundaries is healthy and necessary for mental wellbeing.
• Cultivate Authenticity: Strive to express your True Self more often. Authenticity attracts genuine relationships and can be deeply fulfilling.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that seeking approval is a natural human instinct, but it shouldn’t override your wellbeing.

Conclusion

While the quest for approval can lead us down the path of people-pleasing, understanding the psychological and evolutionary underpinnings of this behaviour can empower us to make healthier choices. By embracing our authentic selves and setting healthy boundaries, we can navigate the delicate balance between social harmony and personal integrity.